But what about...

I have come to accept the fact that I can’t make decisions. An inner battle happens every time I’m at a crossroad.  Should I go left? Or right? Should I stay home? Or go out? Should I wear the brown shoes? Or the black ones? What should I have for lunch?

If the indecision issue only affected menial decisions (did I used the correct affect?), I wouldn’t even care.  My life will not be drastically altered if I eat a tuna sandwich instead of peanut butter and jam. No, it’s when it gets to the big stuff that I feel completely crippled.  What should I be doing with my life? What is my purpose here? Have I done enough with the resources I’ve been given? How can I help someone else?

I don’t think I’ve always been this wishy-washy.  I remember being confident as a child. It must have been somewhere in high school that I began doubting.  I suppose as a child, you don’t fully understand the consequences of poor choices.  Like when I snooped in my Christmas presents and my parents found out, then made me open all my gifts before Christmas so I didn’t have any to open on Christmas day. Consequence for a poor choice that was not foreseen.

The risks are more evident as an adult.  I went skiing last year.  The only other time I went skiing was when I was 21, I think.  It was fun! There was one steep moment of terror I can recall, but other than that, I loved it.  Last year, I was standing at the top of the hill, thinking-If I actually attempt this, I am going to die.  Kids that were barely up to my knees went down with no fear!  Of course, they are much closer to the ground than I am, so the damage resulting in a fall would be much more minor.  I went down, though, a couple of times.  Since I faced my fear then, I don’t feel compelled to try facing it again. It’s amazing how, the older you get, the more your mind works against you. If I do this, the potential risks are…x, y, z.  I could fall and break my leg.  I could hit a tree.  I could need to be rescued by a St. Bernard…

Being cautious is good, I think.  But for me, I need more abandon. I’m not saying I need to go and do something crazy. I just feel like it’s time to jump in with both feet.  Pick something and stick with it.  Find a career and go for it. But what do I pick!?!?!  Oh I hate this feeling of indecision. How come some people don’t struggle with this but I do?  I can’t even answer the question-If I could do anything in the world, I would…  I have no idea what I would do!  If money wasn’t an option, I would go to school for… I have no stinking clue!  I would be most happy doing… Like I know! Why can’t I answer these questions? What is holding me back? Will I ever get to the point where I have confidence in the decisions that I make?

I sure hope so.